Do you ever have that feeling that you are taking on too much?
This feeling HAUNTS ME all the time.
And I know it is because I have the tendency to take on too many things at once. I think that this comes from when I was a kid. There was so much that was expected of me and I was always walking on egg shells at our house after school. So much so that my anxiety has carried over into my adult life. I still stretch myself too thin in some areas which makes me not have time to do things that I really want to do. As stressful as that is, I think that it is also in a way comforting because I am so used to being in that head space. I know what to do and how to get things done when I am in that head space. But I also know how detrimental that can be and has become.
Taking too much on has always been my story.
And I have always let it be my story.
I used to pride myself on being the fixer. Everyone could come to me and lay their burdens on me and I would always be the ones to fix it for them. Sounds noble right? Not really. Because over time those probems weigh on my heart and over shadow my problems. I was so busy being worried about fixing other peoples issues that I had no time to work on myself.
I let my dreams fall by the way side and ignored the things going wrong in my life until they just exploded. And ever since then I have been trying to find my way to being the girl I was before my world imploded. But is that really what I need to be fighting for? I mean, I can look back at a time in my life where I thought that I was truly happy. But then I think about the things that were going on in my life at the time and the habits that were forming that lead me to where I am today.
Do I really want to fight to be that girl?
The girl who had no voice for herself, who put others own happiness before her own, who’s happiness was dictated by others?
The girl who was so insecure she couldn’t leave her house without makeup?
The girl who thought having a lot of friends meant that she was loved?
I sure don’t.
Don’t get me wrong. Some of the happiest moments of my life happened at the time but some of my darkest moments happened then too. And unfortuantely, sometimtes, the darker moments outweigh the happiest moments. In 2018 I made a vow to myself that I would change the way that my life was going. And I worked hard at it. But, like every other thing in my life, I stretched myself too thin, expected too much of myself too soon, and because of that I did a lot of stumbling.
But I am still learning.
This year I do not want to make a New Years Resolution focused on how much I can do or how much weight I can lose or anything along those lines. This year I want to focus on not having unrealistic expectations of myself. I want to make myself a priority but forget all the expectations around what I think that is suppose to look like. I want to write. Write what you ask? I have absolutely no idea. I just want to put pen to paper and see what happens. Because thats when the magic really happens. When you have no idea where you are going with something but it turns out just how it is suppose to.