It’s Been A While

Wow. It’s been a hot minute since I wrote a blog post. So much has gone on inside my life lately that I am not even sure where to start.

So lets start here I guess.

I am still not drinking.

266 days to be exact.

8 months and 24 days. Almost 8 months and 25 days.

That is ALMOST 9 MONTHS.

How freaking crazy is that?!

I could never have imagined myself here at this point. The last two months of my life have been completely bananas and more eventful than I wished, and not in a good way. But the urge to drink has subsided. Sometimes when I am having a super stressful day I will think, hmmm a beer sounds good, but never actually drink one. Because then I think about the hangover that would be coming and vomiting is something that I could literally never do again in my life and I would be one happy camper. Ha!

While life still feels like it is crumbling around me sometimes there is that little light at the end of the tunnel. Before I couldn’t see it but I knew it was there. I feel like I am coming out of some kind of brain fog lately and things have lifted off my shoulders. Which makes no sense because there are still parts of my life right now that are so uncertain that it is stupid.

But I do feel like that I am completely capable of handling anything one day at a time and one moment at a time. Whatever it is that I need to do. I have just been kind of letting the wind take me wherever it is going to take me these last few months and have just been along for the ride. And, while that was okay for a while, it was not working anymore. At some point I needed to take control and be serious about it.

I have learned so much this last year around mindset and some of it I just took at face value and never implemented it and some of it I tried to implement it but never gave it the good old college try. I would be like, well this is not really working, when I never really actually tried to do the damn thing. Or whatever they say. This last month I have really taken to heart speaking to myself in a positive manner and breathing life into my soul. I’ve been my own hype girl and it has really brought me back from some poisoning thoughts and mindset.

It has been heavy on my heart seeing so many women and young girls so worried about what others think about them or if someone is going to like them and if they don’t what do they need to change. I wish that all parents taught their girls that you need to love yourself and be comfortable with who you are and let that be enough. Change because you want to better yourself not because you want to dumb yourself down for that stupid boy. Change because you are ready to level up and become the best freaking version of yourself and not because you want the popular girls to like you. Even better, don’t try to change a damn thing about yourself and nurture and strengthen the parts of you that you love. What you focus on will continue to grow and manifest in your life. Please don’t let it make you miserable and put you on the fast track to societal acceptance. People can be assholes. Misery demands company. Don’t be the one to take a seat and live there.

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Open Wings

On nights where I cant sleep I will usually get up and listen to music. Music makes me feel all the things that I don’t want to feel and reminisce on times in my life when I felt sadness, happiness, despair, heart broken, and completely at peace in my life.

I always try to think, how do I get back to that? How do I get back to a place where I woke up in the morning and knew that whatever life threw at me I could handle? And that I was going to get over this somehow? How do I tell myself that the depression and anxiety that seems to swarm me and drown me some days is going to get better? And not only how do I tell myself that, but how do I believe it? And I am not talking about just saying out loud that I believe it. I mean, believe it so deep down in my soul that I have no freaking doubt in my mind that things workout the way that they are suppose to.

Maybe you are at the same point in your life where I am. And you feel like you are standing on the ledge, ready to take a chance and jump, but you just aren’t sure your wings will open up on the way down.

I know where you are right now and I pray that you continually tell yourself that there is sunshine after the storm. I pray that you can see that, even while going through the rain, that there is sunshine and brighter days ahead. I pray that you fight for those brighter days and that those fleeting moments of sunshine within the storm give you life. Fight for yourself because you are worth fighting for.

I do not know who needs to hear this but…

You are a great mom.

You are an amazing sister.

You are an amazing brother.

You are worthy of all of the love and respect that you give others.

You are wonderful and beautiful in every sense of the word.

Your dreams matter.

You are not your past mistakes.

You are not defined by the opinion of others.

You have a voice that deserves and is worthy of being heard.

You are enough.

Your kids will forgive you.

You deserve forgiveness.

You are not responsible for other people’s happiness. You are responsible for your happiness.

Forgiveness helps you heal, it does not excuse the other person’s behavior.

I always tend to listen to the same song over and over again when I am feeling some type of way. If you haven’t listened to it, I highly suggest that you do.

It is called Tragedy + Time by Rise Against.

Take a few minutes and close your eyes and really feel the music and listen to the lyrics.

Cry if you have to.

This song always gets me because I feel every single lyric to my core and it brings out the hurt soul within me.

It breaks my heart all over again.

It reminds me of the times that I was so happy I thought nothing could take that happiness away.

And it reminds me of the times that I was so depressed that I did not see a way out.

But it brings everything full circle and shows me that all situations are temporary. And you are strong enough to go through absolutely anything that is thrown your way.

Because you are so fucking strong, even when you feel like your wings are not going to open.

New Years Thoughts

Do you ever have that feeling that you are taking on too much?

This feeling HAUNTS ME all the time.

And I know it is because I have the tendency to take on too many things at once. I think that this comes from when I was a kid. There was so much that was expected of me and I was always walking on egg shells at our house after school. So much so that my anxiety has carried over into my adult life. I still stretch myself too thin in some areas which makes me not have time to do things that I really want to do. As stressful as that is, I think that it is also in a way comforting because I am so used to being in that head space. I know what to do and how to get things done when I am in that head space. But I also know how detrimental that can be and has become.

Taking too much on has always been my story.

And I have always let it be my story.

I used to pride myself on being the fixer. Everyone could come to me and lay their burdens on me and I would always be the ones to fix it for them. Sounds noble right? Not really. Because over time those probems weigh on my heart and over shadow my problems. I was so busy being worried about fixing other peoples issues that I had no time to work on myself.

I let my dreams fall by the way side and ignored the things going wrong in my life until they just exploded. And ever since then I have been trying to find my way to being the girl I was before my world imploded. But is that really what I need to be fighting for? I mean, I can look back at a time in my life where I thought that I was truly happy. But then I think about the things that were going on in my life at the time and the habits that were forming that lead me to where I am today.

Do I really want to fight to be that girl?

The girl who had no voice for herself, who put others own happiness before her own, who’s happiness was dictated by others?

The girl who was so insecure she couldn’t leave her house without makeup?

The girl who thought having a lot of friends meant that she was loved?

Nope.

I sure don’t.

Don’t get me wrong. Some of the happiest moments of my life happened at the time but some of my darkest moments happened then too. And unfortuantely, sometimtes, the darker moments outweigh the happiest moments. In 2018 I made a vow to myself that I would change the way that my life was going. And I worked hard at it. But, like every other thing in my life, I stretched myself too thin, expected too much of myself too soon, and because of that I did a lot of stumbling.

But I am still learning.

This year I do not want to make a New Years Resolution focused on how much I can do or how much weight I can lose or anything along those lines. This year I want to focus on not having unrealistic expectations of myself. I want to make myself a priority but forget all the expectations around what I think that is suppose to look like. I want to write. Write what you ask? I have absolutely no idea. I just want to put pen to paper and see what happens. Because thats when the magic really happens. When you have no idea where you are going with something but it turns out just how it is suppose to.

Starting Over…

I made it six months without drinking and have been struggling to get “back on the wagon” ever since. It has been this constant mind struggle these last few weeks. I tend to get inside my head and tell myself, you don’t really have a problem because you could go without it. But, if that were true, then would I really be having such a struggle with giving it up? Again? Ugh. I know everyone says “the struggle is real” all the time, but seriously, is it the realest right now.

I feel like I have to start all the way over from square one day one. All the guilty feeling for being hungover on a Sunday when I could be getting stuff done to letting myself down and the list goes on and on. Do I really need to do that? Am I really right back where I started when I decided to journey into being alcohol free?

No.

Not really.

I have so much more knowledge this time around and tools to use to get through these couple pages of my story. I would say chapter, but that would imply that I am letting this continue and I’m not. I know starting over is difficult but I have done it once before so I have all the faith I can do it again. The first month or two was difficult but as I made changes, and changed my focus to things other than drinking, I slowly didnt even consider it an option before. Once I let it become an option, it seemed to take on a whole new power of its own. But what I did not realize at the time, was that it was only gaining power because I was letting it have power. I was letting it have the space in my thought and I gave it importance.

But, alcohol has no importance or priority in my life.

In the grand scheme of things, I cannot say that alcohol has ever given me the things I have searched for while drinking it.

So!

49 days without alcohol. Its a start!

When I drank this last time I didn’t go crazy and drink for days on end. Thats not my usual pattern. I had drinks with friends and stayed up way too late. Wasted the next day because of being hungover. Which is my pattern and I did repeat it a few weekends before really kicking myself for it.

This time it was so weird though because I was so sick the next day no matter how much I drank.

I am almost 100% positive that it is a sign.

My husband has always told me that I can do anything that I set my mind to. I am, quite literally, my only limitation.

Through out this journey, despite my stumbling, there are quite a few things that I have learned. The most important lesson though, is that I need to have more faith in myself. I have to remember that I can do hard things no matter how scary that may seem. I need to know that failure is inevitable, but that it isn’t a wasted experience if you learned something.

159.5 Days. Whoa.

159.5 days since I have had a sip of alcohol. Holy cannoli.

Let’s be honest here.

I never thought I would get to this day let alone 100 days. 100 days was my goal. I don’t know what I thought would happen at 100 days but I made it a goal.

It was like once I reached 100 days some magic light would turn on in my head and bam I would be fixed. Alcohol wouldn’t be an issue and all my problems would just magically solve themselves. Because that makes sense right? Oil vey.

Now, I’m not what people think of when they think of a typical alcoholic. I didn’t drink every night. Or even every day. But when I did drink I didn’t have an off switch.

When I was younger I didn’t think it was a problem because I never got a hangover. But as I got older hangovers were an every weekend occurence. Blurry memories were an every weekend occurence. Things I’ll never remember were an every weekend occurence. But if I didn’t remember it then it didn’t matter right? Wrong.

It took days to recover and could start over every weekend. And for some reason it was the weekends I lived for. Thankfully that isn’t my life anymore.

Now I’m more present in my life. With everything. And that can be super overwhelming. I used to think I got over my anxiety from my teenage years. But I really just drowned it out. So having to deal with it all over again has become daunting and sometimes feels like it isn’t worth it. But I have so many reminders that it is. Slowly things are becoming easier to deal with.

When I first got sober I felt like I was being swallowed by this horrible depression and I spent almost every moment that I wasnt working in bed wallowing. It started this health journey of finding out what’s going on with my body and health and how to fix it. My hormones were out of whack, my liver was out of whack, and so many other things. Things I knew were out of whack for a long time but didn’t really worry about it because I also drowned it out. Truth be told, I wasnt ready to quit drinking and all of these health concerns started with not drinking.

I’m on the mend now with the help of an awesome naturopath and I also feel like I am making headway with my anxiety and depression. I don’t just lay in bed anymore and I’m starting to really fall in love with things that fell by the wayside because they weren’t important to me then. I’m reading and drawing more and writing. I used to love writing especially poetry. Writing has been a bit harder for me because it requires a certain vulnerability that I’m having a hard time with but I am working on it.

So if you’re sitting there thinking about getting sober or taking a break from drinking I sincerely hope you do it.

I hope you not only do it but I hope that you go all in. I hope that you give it 110%. But I also hope that you are not only all in but are honest about what alcohol does and doesn’t do for you. And not only you but how different of a person you are for everyone around you.

Sobriety is hard and it doesn’t really matter what your poison is or how much you’re addicted to it. Taking something out of your life that was a major stress reliever or a getaway is never easy. And initially it’s going to feel like it was the worst decision of your life but its not. Give it time. Do something you’ve always wanted to do but were too scared. Work on yourself. Because it’s worth it.

But boy is it ever worth it.

Always.

Freakin’ Weekend.

To be honest, when I decided that I was going to go the sober route I didn’t think that it would be that hard. I wasn’t the type that needed to drink every night but I was the type that liked to unwind on the weekend. So, logically I was thinking, oh this will be a walk in the park.

But was it?

Heck to the no.

Is it getting easier? Hmm. Sometimes it feels like it’s easier and other times it isn’t. I guess it really depends on my mood. This weekend it is pretty easy. I had an experience with a family¬† member this week that completely reminded me why I gave up drinking in the first place. It was a completely heart breaking experience in more ways than one.

I think we often forget that people who have a drinking problem, or any addiction really, are humans too. And I have been known to be someone who judges others based on my perception of their situation. I try not to be, but let’s be honest, habits are hard to break. Just because you see something differently through your eyes does not mean that the other person’s feelings are invalid. It just means that you don’t relate to their story in the same way that they do. You never had to walk in their shoes. This week has really taught me that everyone heals differently and in their own time.

When I was younger the weekends usually meant one of two things. One, that our whole family was going to get together and I could spend time with my cousins. Or, two, that we were going to have to stay home and be miserable at my aunt’s house. Both of these scenarios involved the adults getting blacked out drunk and only one of these situations ended up joyous. If I had my cousins I knew that there was time away from the madness. But that was not always the case.

When  I was in fifth grade we moved to a smaller city so seeing my cousins every weekend was not plausible. That means that the weekend usually meant a lot of alcohol for my aunt and lots of tears, heartache, and anger for my brother and I. There was lots of turmoil and chaos around my house when I was a child and that was normal. I swore even then that my children would not grow up to feel like they were trapped in a prison. Because children who grow up in a home with so much strife and stress become adults who have a lot of healing to do. And I was reminded of that this week.

My why is stronger on my heart today than it has ever been.

I want to raise children who do not need to spend their adult life moving forward from their childhood.

I want to raise children who always feel loved by their parents and know that there isn’t anything we wouldn’t do for them.

I want to raise children who look back on their childhood and were able to be kids who did not have to grow up before their time.

So, my freakin’ weekend has gone from parties to family movies. It has gone from drinking to reading and vegging out with my husband and kiddos. It has gone from nights I won’t remember to memories I will never want to forget.

 

Sobriety Journey!

Over a month ago I had decided that I was going to stop drinking for a while. I didn’t really decide how long but I knew I wanted it to be longer than 30 days. 11 days in and I had thrown the goal out the window and drank.

And felt awful the next day. I wasted that day, and like so many other times, I swore I wouldn’t drink for a long time. Just put that record on repeat. That was for the last couple years. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

I am not sure what it was about that particular day but just clicked.

How long was I going to keep repeating this cycle?

Why couldn’t I just walk away from alcohol all together?

Food for thought.

I never really considered myself an alcoholic. Until….

I tried to quit.

And it was effing hard. I was so frustrated and I guess I still am to a certain extent.

If I didn’t have a problem how could I not just walk away?

Because I did have a problem.

Not in a full blown and drink every day alcoholic but in a drinks and over does it almost every time alcohol problem.

It has been 32 days since I drank last. And every step has been hard but every step has been rewarding. The week days are easier to handle but the weekends creep up and so do old habits so that’s where the real battle begins.

But it hasn’t all been bad. I have learned a lot throughout this 30ish days that’s really opened my eyes.

I never really believed people when they talked about how they had an overwhelming sense of feelings and that was partly because I had never felt anything like that. My emotions these past few weeks have been all over the place. Partly hormones and partly because I have to feel everything now and find a different outlet. I’m learning that works and what doesn’t. Even though all of it is hard, heart breaking, and joyous all at the same time I am really enjoying the process.

What is my next goal? This the question I keep pondering. I am not sure. I know not drinking is a goal but I do not know for how long or anything like that. Forever sounds so ominous and difficult. I find smaller goals can be easier to stick to. I think another 30 days is in the works.

28 more days until 60 days no alcohol.